Week 12, Thursday - Health

I have never been as well as I have been this year. I haven't caught any major colds or illness since late last summer. I think that's pretty remarkable considering the shared phones, desks, keyboards and crazy hours and poor sleep. In the past several weeks though, I've been contending with morning migraines and a lingering sense of depression. I hate to admit that. Something inside me insists that if I were doing everything right - doing everything enough, not too much, doing it well, consistently - I wouldn't feel like this. And, admitting that I'm not doing something right means (to me) that I'm not working hard enough to fix it, which makes me feel lazy (at best) and negligent (at worst), and I end up feeling like I don't have a right to complain or wish I felt better or address feeling depressed directly because it's my fault I feel this way to begin with.

I suppose my wake up call came this morning when I googled morning headaches. Nearly universally, websites blamed depression or high blood pressure. It never would have occurred to me to attribute my headaches to depression. High blood pressure is a family thing, a weight thing and it wouldn't surprise me if that were a factor. That just means more running, more weight loss and, if it doesn't get better, a trip to the doctor. On the other hand, I just don't have the tools for depression. I can eat right but I'm just not that hungry. I can get enough sunlight, or run, or get fresh air but doing any of that makes my already tears-to-my-eyes headache pound. I can sleep but I'm getting enough sleep. I've got prescription migraine killers, but I can't take them every day and, if I did, I could be certain part of my morning headaches were caffeine/analgesic withdrawal.

Where does that leave me? Without enough exercise, with a pounding head and just barely enough resolve to not drink caffeine, not take anything for my head, not blame myself any further for feeling glum, and to take a walk. That's too bad, but sooner or later something has got to work.